I hate when you call a dog by their name and they only turn their ear at you. And you do it again and you get a side eye. I can’t even get a full eye until the third time??
Today is my first day in my new town. I already have witnessed some fascinating things that probably half of the country will find extremely boring to read but for my purposes I will log them here. If you are not half the country who lives in the middle of nowhere this might be as foreign for you as it is for me. I have officially moved from busy Oahu, Hawaii to Missouri and my new town has 4,500 people in it.
This morning I went in for breakfast at a cafe. Everyone stared at me as I entered as I was the only person there they probably have never seen before. I sat down and asked if they serve mochas. She did not know what the hell of a mocha was but she can pour some coffee and a hot chocolate for me. I said it would be perfect and she charged me $1.59 for it. I asked for a breakfast sandwich and got charged 3 more dollars. I left her $2 which was nearly a 40% tip. I thought, this is probably what it feels like to land on Mars and experience 40% gravity; suddenly, you have a Michael Jordan vertical leap. Likewise, suddenly I am the Sultan of Missouri that tips generously.
“This place reminds me of a garage in the 70s… except instead of cent signs on the price tags they are dollars.”
When I call my boss, I SWEAR the ringing I hear while I wait for him to pick up is more menacing than when I call other people. There’s a little more vibrato to it. Also, possibly an echo. I instantly feel like I’m walking down a set of stairs into a dark cavernous dungeon to meet my doom. Worse yet the stairs do not have handrails in this vision.
I went to a pool party and now my abs are sore from sucking in all day.
If you ever find a pair of shorts or pants that make your ass look great, get everyone to go bowling with you. That way they can all see it in 20 second intervals.
About a month ago, construction workers came in and “fixed” a wall across from my cubicle. In the process they removed a poster identical to the included picture, and placed this in my cubicle. After repairing the wall, they forgot to hang it back up and I’m not going to be the one to re-“break” the wall by hanging the poster up myself. Also I hate this atrocious motivational poster. I had the picture below blown-up and inserted myself over the eagle. I then left it in my boss’s office in a place only he would see (corner between a wall and a couch that is only visible from his desk).
Caught him off guard and now he’s all grins today. Suck it, excellence eagle.