The other day I went online and did a test to see what dogs would be best for me. My results were Skye Terrier , Brussels Griffon , and the Lakeland Terrier. I’m sorry, did I accidentally click that I prefer dogs that look like mythical creatures? Did it detect that I am a sap that loves the ugliest of beings? Does every test result in dogs from the “Top 10 Breeds Never Adopted” list in order to try to boost their adoption rates? Are pounds across the US overflowing with these dogs so this website is pushing them on the naïve people who can be persuaded by an online test? Let’s take a look at these dogs one by one.
The Skye Terrier aka the dog voted most likely to think “my senses are dulled by the amount of hair on my face”. Pros: His description ends with “A Skye will always make you laugh, but when you need to cry, he and his long coat will be there to absorb your tears.” That’s all that needs to be said. Cons: I will never know if this dog has a guilty look on his face, if he is staring me down in challenge, if he can actually hear me but is just ignoring me, or if there is a squirrel walking on the ground under his belly using him as a trojan horse to get in my house.
The Brussels Griffon voted most likely to say “I speak for the trees.” Pros: You will be best buds with the lorax, a ewok and a gnome all in one. Cons: Dog will likely judge your lifestyle and your impact on the environment and his knowing eyes might freak you out a little.
The Lakeland Terrier voted most likely to think “my toupee slid way forward. I’ll just play it off.” Pros: Seems less likely to get hypothermia in the extremities. Also seems like an actual athletic dog. Cons: I actually cannot think of any besides the fact that it looks like he’s growing pubic hair out of the middle of his face.
Fine… I’ll add this: To those offended, please know that I sincerely do think these dogs are unique and are actually pretty cool.
Since I am moving from Hawaii soon, I have been looking into selling my car. By looking into selling my car I mean planning on it in my head with no actual proof of action. The car would be hard to sell… the seats were all water-stained, the paint was looking bad. There were a bunch of lights that wouldn’t shut off on the dashboard and I couldn’t get my tire to stay inflated. I thought about all the work I would have to do and also request my title and figure out what a title was in the first place. It was this stress hanging over my head that I knew I would have to deal with eventually. Then one day, Jesus took the wheel and hit me in the parking lot with his Jeep. The impact was only at bumper car speed… with just enough force and the right spot (tail lights) to total my car! I’m not talking about an awful wreck. I’m saying he bumped me and my car was so cheap, and Hawaii so expensive, that it would cost more to repair than it was worth. Insurance is paying me more than I could have sold it for and now I don’t have to go through any of the hassle to sell it! For this I will say: Wallet on fleek, luck on fluke.
Sidenote: #blessed was said sarcastically. #blessed is the most pretentious thing to happen on social media. Same with Jesus taking the wheel during minor car accidents.
PS Kit-kat on flick flack
Today, I saw a Major / Lt Col skateboard into work… where is my phone when I really need it?? He was wearing a Tony Hawk helmet which was good because it looked like he did not know what he was doing. He also must have forgotten where he was, or who. Or how old. The only thing I could think to say was, “Sir…SIR! STOPPIT!”, so instead I remained silent and continued to search for my phone as this would make a great snapchat. I couldn’t tell if he was having a mid-life crisis or if he was a normal guy who hated how far away he had to park. I will never know. But probably the first one. Love always, Asclown.
If a picture speaks a thousand words, an emoticon says less than one.